Interview with Katherine Bouglai, Part II

In this second part of an in-depth interview with dating expert Katherine Bouglai, she discusses interracial relationship. In the first part, Katherine provided valuable dating advice.

What is your overall opinion with interracial dating? What is your experience with interracial dating?

I think interracial and intercultural relationships can be both beautiful and challenging. If you fall in love with the person for who s/he is, who also happens to be or another race or nationality, your relationship can be quite fascinating. It is different, more exciting, you develop this interest to learn about your partners culture which is different from yours. You certainly deal with challenges, too (I will talk about challenges more in the next question). 

You do have to be careful though and really honest with yourself about why did you choose to be with someone of another race. It is one thing to fall in love with a person, but it is completely another story to be infatuated with someone just because you are fascinated with their race.  Another thing to watch out for is the tendency to deliberately avoid dating someone of your own race due to limiting beliefs derived from your negative past experience. This could be a way of avoiding intimacy.

I was in a four-year relationship with a black man in my early 20s. Initially, I fell in love with his personality and we had a great time. My family didn’t approve and gave me a hard time, which didn't help. Because I grew up in a very suppressive environment, as a teenager I had a lot of anger built inside of me that I didn't know how to express. When my family and friends disapproved of my relationship, they really went against one of my core values which actually gave me the outlet to express my anger and frustration with the world.  It gave me something to rebel against. The more disapproval I got, the more I fought against it. In a way it actually gave me what I needed. But I was so focused on fighting for the right to have a relationship that I actually ignored the problems we had in a relationship. I don't feel good about the fact that in a way I ended up using my relationship to declare my independence from my family. It wasn't intentional, but that's what it turned out to be.

What are some challenges that interracial couples deal with that couples of the same race don't have? Do you have any tips or advice to help couples overcome these challenges? What should you do if your parents or family does not approve of your decision to date someone of another race?

There are external and internal challenges. I think the biggest challenge is when your friends, family and loved ones give you a hard time about your choice to be with this person. This can be very difficult because it gives you only two choices: you either pick your family and stay resentful or you pick your relationship, not so much because your relationship is more important to you than your family, but because you believe your family and friends are wrong. You want to do the right thing however heartbreaking this may be. I had chosen the second option and if I had to do it again, I would do the same. I believe standing up for yourself is far more important than doing what your family wants you to do. If you are afraid to lose your family and friends, think of it this way, if they really love you as they say they do, you will not lose them. If you do what they tell you just because you are afraid of losing them, you will definitely lose yourself (what could be worse than that?).  But if you follow your heart and do what feels right to you, you will gain (or keep) something far more important -- your dignity.

Other challenges may be cultural difference, but if you really love each other and chose to be emotionally mature enough to deal with your challenges rather than avoid them, you can easily overcome those.  These types of challenges are actually good because they will keep you growing.  My advice - try to understand where the other person is coming from before judging anything.  I think having this attitude is a must, especially if you are in an interracial relationship.

Sometimes, depending on where you live, strangers who disapprove of you being together will glare at you or make comments. The best way to deal with this is understand that these are their issues and problems, so don't make them your own.  In the mean time, try to avoid places where people are unfriendly.

The biggest advice I have is for parents who are not happy about their son or daughter's relationship choice:  let your child have their relationship and let this relationship take its natural turn however it turns out. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child. If they are good for each other and it is meant to be, their relationship will flourish, only without you being part of the family anymore. If it is not meant to be, it is much better that they break up without feeling resentful against you.

Are people generally open to marrying someone of another race?

In general, I don't think so, at least not until they meet someone really special who just happens to be of another race. It is more common for people to marry someone within their race and culture. However, if you live in a very culturally-diverse place like San Francisco or Vancouver, this can be different. 

There are some people, however, who actually prefer to date someone of another race and deliberately avoid dating people of their own race. This is not necessarily a good thing because it is a way of avoiding intimacy which can backfire. Remember the quote "Save the Last Dance" when Julia Stiles' character said: "I don't want to have to fight for my right to have a relationship to the point where I can't actually have a relationship." The truth is, in most cases people prefer the opposite. Sometimes it can be much easier to fight for your relationship than deal with the relationship problems we all naturally have and face "our own demons." This is just something to watch out for.

Interview with Katherine Bouglai, Part I

Are you looking to attract true love? Katherine Bouglai is a renowned dating expert that works with female clients how to change certain behaviors so that they can attract a remarkable relationship. In this two-part interview, in the first part, Katherine provides valuable dating advice and in the second part of her in-depth interview, she discusses interracial relationships.

Why do women pursue emotionally unavailable men?

Before I answer this question, let me clarify that men pursue emotionally unavailable women just as much as women; we just don't notice as much because the way a woman expresses her "emotional unavailability" is a bit different than from a man's. 

The reason why many pursue emotionally unavailable people is because it is our way to avoid intimacy. I am not talking about sexual or physical intimacy. In fact, sex is often used to avoid emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is all about being 100 percent honest with yourself and others. It is about self expression and being who you are regardless of what other people may think. And this is exactly what emotionally unavailable people tend to avoid. They avoid communication, confrontation, and being honest and direct or clear about who they are and what they want. The reason why this type of person may be attractive to us is because in a way we also want to avoid who we are by focusing on someone else's problems. When our own issues become too much for us to confront and deal with, it is much easier to focus on something else, something that appears to be drama-free. The problem is that the more we avoid drama, the more it comes back at us. So a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person is usually extremely dramatic. But because this type of drama is often outwardly focused on the other person, it feels a lot less difficult to handle than to actually focusing on yourself.

For example, if an emotionally unavailable man is not interested in a serious relationship, instead of being clear about his intentions, he will typically avoid the unpleasant or uncomfortable conversations and become wishy-washy with his responses. In other words, he will play mind games. So why would a woman go for this kind of man? It is simply because it is far less painful to focus and try to fix his inability to make a decision than face the rejection and move on.  An emotionally unavailable person could never really "reject" you, but he can keep you in denial for quite some time.

What are some reasons why so many women are single?

Single women in general are more open to admit that they are looking for a relationship because society expects it, and therefore it feels like there are more single women than single men out there. Why do many of them stay single? Some don't want to deal with the drama of being in a relationship so they find a way to distract themselves and focus on something else in their lives that keeps their mind occupied enough. Some actually managed to convince themselves that they don't want to be in a relationship and they are "just fine" being single. 

The real question is why do women who believe they want to be in a relationship stay single? I believe the answer is a bit more complicated than that they simply haven't found the right person yet. I think they haven't even figured out who the right person would be and what does it take to find this person. They may be driven by a desire to be intimate with a man and if this desire is strong enough, as far as they are concerned, any man who is attractive enough, nice enough and shows enough signs of attention, interest or potential for the future will do. She doesn't even bother asking herself if this man is the right one--if she likes him enough, she makes it her mission to turn him into the right one. This approach does not lead into a healthy long lasting relationship.

After doing the various self-awareness exercises in "The 7 Step Guide to Attracting the Love You Desire," where are the best places to meet single men offline?

Anywhere. The self-awareness exercises are designed to help you confront and look deep into who you are. In other words, you are learning how to build emotional intimacy with yourself. The more self-aware you are, the less likely you will be attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable. 

It doesn't really matter where you meet this person. Online just happens to be the easiest and quickest way. But if that's not your cup of tea, you can try singles events like hiking groups or dance lessons. Single parties and groups are great to meet singles in large numbers. You can also take lessons in something you are interested in learning, perhaps someone single and attractive shows up there as well.  Or you can just meet someone spontaneously--anywhere. This method may sound exciting, but it is not very effective. 

If you are single and looking, I would definitely suggest you look into places where you know other single people typically hang out at.

Emotional baggage sabotages relationships. How can women recognize that they have emotional baggage? In doing the relationship baggage and the forgiveness exercises in your workbook, what if a person cannot forgive?

I think everybody has some emotional baggage. Some more than others, but if it affects your relationships, then it would be worthwhile to deal with it. You know if you have emotional baggage if:

- you are typically attracted to emotionally unavailable people

- your relationships are typically full of drama

- when you are in a relationships you are either taking care of (or parenting) your partner, or your partner is parenting you to the point where it becomes too much

- you stay single for years because you simply don't want to "deal with it". 

This usually indicates that there is a lot to deal with--your emotional baggage that's deeply hidden away.

The purpose of forgiveness is to let go and allow yourself to be open again. If you find it that you are willing to forgive a particular person (say your ex), this means you have dealt with this particular part of your emotional baggage and are now willing to let go of it. If you find it difficult to forgive your ex for something he may have done to you, this usually indicates that you are holding on to a limiting belief you formed about yourself as a result of what this person did. For example, you can't forgive your ex for not treating you with enough respect. This usually means that deep inside you believe that maybe you don't deserve to be treated with respect and you interpret his behavior as disrespectful. 

Forgiveness is not the same as excusing someone. It doesn't mean that what they did is OK, it just means that you are no longer resentful and ready to be open again. If you feel like you cannot forgive, look deeper into your own self-sabotaging limiting beliefs.

After a while, some women start developing negative self-sabotaging limiting beliefs about themselves. They start thinking that maybe they are not attractive enough or that there is something wrong with them that pushes men away. Not only those beliefs are not true, they actually can keep you single for even longer.