Interview with Katherine Bouglai, Part II

In this second part of an in-depth interview with dating expert Katherine Bouglai, she discusses interracial relationship. In the first part, Katherine provided valuable dating advice.

What is your overall opinion with interracial dating? What is your experience with interracial dating?

I think interracial and intercultural relationships can be both beautiful and challenging. If you fall in love with the person for who s/he is, who also happens to be or another race or nationality, your relationship can be quite fascinating. It is different, more exciting, you develop this interest to learn about your partners culture which is different from yours. You certainly deal with challenges, too (I will talk about challenges more in the next question). 

You do have to be careful though and really honest with yourself about why did you choose to be with someone of another race. It is one thing to fall in love with a person, but it is completely another story to be infatuated with someone just because you are fascinated with their race.  Another thing to watch out for is the tendency to deliberately avoid dating someone of your own race due to limiting beliefs derived from your negative past experience. This could be a way of avoiding intimacy.

I was in a four-year relationship with a black man in my early 20s. Initially, I fell in love with his personality and we had a great time. My family didn’t approve and gave me a hard time, which didn't help. Because I grew up in a very suppressive environment, as a teenager I had a lot of anger built inside of me that I didn't know how to express. When my family and friends disapproved of my relationship, they really went against one of my core values which actually gave me the outlet to express my anger and frustration with the world.  It gave me something to rebel against. The more disapproval I got, the more I fought against it. In a way it actually gave me what I needed. But I was so focused on fighting for the right to have a relationship that I actually ignored the problems we had in a relationship. I don't feel good about the fact that in a way I ended up using my relationship to declare my independence from my family. It wasn't intentional, but that's what it turned out to be.

What are some challenges that interracial couples deal with that couples of the same race don't have? Do you have any tips or advice to help couples overcome these challenges? What should you do if your parents or family does not approve of your decision to date someone of another race?

There are external and internal challenges. I think the biggest challenge is when your friends, family and loved ones give you a hard time about your choice to be with this person. This can be very difficult because it gives you only two choices: you either pick your family and stay resentful or you pick your relationship, not so much because your relationship is more important to you than your family, but because you believe your family and friends are wrong. You want to do the right thing however heartbreaking this may be. I had chosen the second option and if I had to do it again, I would do the same. I believe standing up for yourself is far more important than doing what your family wants you to do. If you are afraid to lose your family and friends, think of it this way, if they really love you as they say they do, you will not lose them. If you do what they tell you just because you are afraid of losing them, you will definitely lose yourself (what could be worse than that?).  But if you follow your heart and do what feels right to you, you will gain (or keep) something far more important -- your dignity.

Other challenges may be cultural difference, but if you really love each other and chose to be emotionally mature enough to deal with your challenges rather than avoid them, you can easily overcome those.  These types of challenges are actually good because they will keep you growing.  My advice - try to understand where the other person is coming from before judging anything.  I think having this attitude is a must, especially if you are in an interracial relationship.

Sometimes, depending on where you live, strangers who disapprove of you being together will glare at you or make comments. The best way to deal with this is understand that these are their issues and problems, so don't make them your own.  In the mean time, try to avoid places where people are unfriendly.

The biggest advice I have is for parents who are not happy about their son or daughter's relationship choice:  let your child have their relationship and let this relationship take its natural turn however it turns out. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child. If they are good for each other and it is meant to be, their relationship will flourish, only without you being part of the family anymore. If it is not meant to be, it is much better that they break up without feeling resentful against you.

Are people generally open to marrying someone of another race?

In general, I don't think so, at least not until they meet someone really special who just happens to be of another race. It is more common for people to marry someone within their race and culture. However, if you live in a very culturally-diverse place like San Francisco or Vancouver, this can be different. 

There are some people, however, who actually prefer to date someone of another race and deliberately avoid dating people of their own race. This is not necessarily a good thing because it is a way of avoiding intimacy which can backfire. Remember the quote "Save the Last Dance" when Julia Stiles' character said: "I don't want to have to fight for my right to have a relationship to the point where I can't actually have a relationship." The truth is, in most cases people prefer the opposite. Sometimes it can be much easier to fight for your relationship than deal with the relationship problems we all naturally have and face "our own demons." This is just something to watch out for.