My Experience with Interracial Dating: Learn Not to Assume

I've had crushes on men of all races ranging from the superfine singer Maxwell to the hotness that is Ryan Gosling.

My first crush was in the first grade on a Vietnamese kid named Vin. He was the fastest runner in our class and popular, and I could care less that we weren't the same race. One day, Vin was at the water fountain and I waited for him. He said something and I just nodded because I was so nervous; I just kept thinking of how cute he was. His race was not even a blip on my radar and at that age I didn't care what other people thought about my crush on someone of a different race until later in life unfortunately. Nothing came about between Vin and I but fast forward to adulthood when race appeared to matter.

I met "Eric" on match.com and his profile picture was adorable! He had short, close-shaven blond hair, about 5'6" (I’m 5'1" so that was cool). He had a beard, blue eyes, Caucasian in its fullest form. He loved Talib Kweli, whom I had never heard of. Eric said that he dated outside his race before so that eased my fear about the assumptions he may have had about black women.

After two weeks of talking online we decided to meet. We met for dinner at Macaroni Grill in Silver Spring. When we first met I was not disappointed looks wise because he was just as adorable in person. 

Our waitress, a black girl, walked us to our table. Then lordddd the thoughts started to invade my mind. Is she talking about us? Is she going to be rude because I’m with a white guy? I then realized that that girl did not care about me or my date. She was too busy worrying about getting to all her tables.

So I told myself to calm the hell down and I did. Eric and I sat at our table and man was he a talker. He talked and talked and talked and then talked some more. Slowly I didn’t think about our skin color.  I thought, "dang this dude won't let me get a word in edgewise."

After dinner we saw "The Incredibles" (excellent movie by the way), but let me tell you a movie is a bad idea for a first date because you really can't communicate.

We had parked in different garages and as we walked from the movie theater I saw a group of black kids hanging out, as they usually do in Silver Spring after 9:00 pm. All those worries came flooding back. Will those kids say something? Are they looking this way? Are they going to embarrass my date or me? And guess what, those kids paid me no mind, but I acted like they would.  

It seemed that Eric wanted to hang more, but I called it a night because I feared the gawks and stares because I interracially dated. I told him good night and that was the end of that one and only date with him.

I share these experiences because I want to remind us all to listen to our own voices. I listened to the voices I assumed were being said by individuals I didn’t even know! I've learned to not fill my mind with assuming that people would look at me differently because I interracially date. I'm not psychic. I told myself that I'm going to take advice from my first grade self: to like a person for who he is and not his race. I've reached an age where I honestly don't care what other people think. Dating is hard enough. It's up to us as individuals to decide who will make us happy and not give that control to someone else.

Loree Lamour is a single woman of Haitian descent. She was born in Washington, D.C. but grew up in Silver Spring, MD.

Interview with Katherine Bouglai, Part II

In this second part of an in-depth interview with dating expert Katherine Bouglai, she discusses interracial relationship. In the first part, Katherine provided valuable dating advice.

What is your overall opinion with interracial dating? What is your experience with interracial dating?

I think interracial and intercultural relationships can be both beautiful and challenging. If you fall in love with the person for who s/he is, who also happens to be or another race or nationality, your relationship can be quite fascinating. It is different, more exciting, you develop this interest to learn about your partners culture which is different from yours. You certainly deal with challenges, too (I will talk about challenges more in the next question). 

You do have to be careful though and really honest with yourself about why did you choose to be with someone of another race. It is one thing to fall in love with a person, but it is completely another story to be infatuated with someone just because you are fascinated with their race.  Another thing to watch out for is the tendency to deliberately avoid dating someone of your own race due to limiting beliefs derived from your negative past experience. This could be a way of avoiding intimacy.

I was in a four-year relationship with a black man in my early 20s. Initially, I fell in love with his personality and we had a great time. My family didn’t approve and gave me a hard time, which didn't help. Because I grew up in a very suppressive environment, as a teenager I had a lot of anger built inside of me that I didn't know how to express. When my family and friends disapproved of my relationship, they really went against one of my core values which actually gave me the outlet to express my anger and frustration with the world.  It gave me something to rebel against. The more disapproval I got, the more I fought against it. In a way it actually gave me what I needed. But I was so focused on fighting for the right to have a relationship that I actually ignored the problems we had in a relationship. I don't feel good about the fact that in a way I ended up using my relationship to declare my independence from my family. It wasn't intentional, but that's what it turned out to be.

What are some challenges that interracial couples deal with that couples of the same race don't have? Do you have any tips or advice to help couples overcome these challenges? What should you do if your parents or family does not approve of your decision to date someone of another race?

There are external and internal challenges. I think the biggest challenge is when your friends, family and loved ones give you a hard time about your choice to be with this person. This can be very difficult because it gives you only two choices: you either pick your family and stay resentful or you pick your relationship, not so much because your relationship is more important to you than your family, but because you believe your family and friends are wrong. You want to do the right thing however heartbreaking this may be. I had chosen the second option and if I had to do it again, I would do the same. I believe standing up for yourself is far more important than doing what your family wants you to do. If you are afraid to lose your family and friends, think of it this way, if they really love you as they say they do, you will not lose them. If you do what they tell you just because you are afraid of losing them, you will definitely lose yourself (what could be worse than that?).  But if you follow your heart and do what feels right to you, you will gain (or keep) something far more important -- your dignity.

Other challenges may be cultural difference, but if you really love each other and chose to be emotionally mature enough to deal with your challenges rather than avoid them, you can easily overcome those.  These types of challenges are actually good because they will keep you growing.  My advice - try to understand where the other person is coming from before judging anything.  I think having this attitude is a must, especially if you are in an interracial relationship.

Sometimes, depending on where you live, strangers who disapprove of you being together will glare at you or make comments. The best way to deal with this is understand that these are their issues and problems, so don't make them your own.  In the mean time, try to avoid places where people are unfriendly.

The biggest advice I have is for parents who are not happy about their son or daughter's relationship choice:  let your child have their relationship and let this relationship take its natural turn however it turns out. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child. If they are good for each other and it is meant to be, their relationship will flourish, only without you being part of the family anymore. If it is not meant to be, it is much better that they break up without feeling resentful against you.

Are people generally open to marrying someone of another race?

In general, I don't think so, at least not until they meet someone really special who just happens to be of another race. It is more common for people to marry someone within their race and culture. However, if you live in a very culturally-diverse place like San Francisco or Vancouver, this can be different. 

There are some people, however, who actually prefer to date someone of another race and deliberately avoid dating people of their own race. This is not necessarily a good thing because it is a way of avoiding intimacy which can backfire. Remember the quote "Save the Last Dance" when Julia Stiles' character said: "I don't want to have to fight for my right to have a relationship to the point where I can't actually have a relationship." The truth is, in most cases people prefer the opposite. Sometimes it can be much easier to fight for your relationship than deal with the relationship problems we all naturally have and face "our own demons." This is just something to watch out for.

Why I Don't Date Out

A Native Washingtonian, age 35, who has a white adopted mother, shares her views on interracial dating.  

Why are you reluctant to date outside your race?

Not sure it’s reluctance, more of a preference. I'm not exposed to a lot of men who date outside their race. Two reasons for my reluctance: one, I don't think we will have very much in common as far as life experiences and being able to relate to me and my frustrations and second, truth be told, while I find a lot of men of other races very attractive, the sexual energy/ physical attraction just isn't there. When I was in high school, I talked quite extensively to a guy on the phone that I thought was African American, but when I finally met him he wasn't. I was really into him on the phone but seeing him was totally different and I lost interest. Yes, he knew I was black... My older sister once told me she always pictured me with a white guy but one with swag... I don't know, again, more of lack of exposure and thus dating black men is what I'm used to. But to quote my sister if he had a lil’ swag...then maybe.

Statistics show that 70% of Black women are single and 42% are

unmarried. Would you agree with authors Karyn Langhorne Folan and Niki McElroy who argue that more Black women should date outside their race?

If the sole reason for dating outside your race is just because the pickings are more, then I'd have to disagree. If you’re dating outside your race because you are attracted to men of another race then that’s totally different. Dating someone to meet some social standard of where you should be in life (married, kids etc.) are you going to be happy or doing it to say I did it? if you’re going to do it, do it for love not status quo. I've not read the books but that's my take on it.

Is interracial dating the solution to the single Black woman's problem?

No, interracial dating is not the solution or the be-all-to-end-all for black women. Should we lower our standards? No, of course not. Should we be realistic and take into consideration the changing of times? Yes. Roles are completely reversed now and black women are the primary breadwinners and the head of the household, but somewhere we forgot that no matter who brings home the bacon, our men, our black men, should still get the respect he deserves. We are so quick to dismiss. We neglect the effort...sometimes we have to put aside our own hang-ups and egos and let them sit at the head of the table and give him the big piece of chicken. 

Since there is high percentage of black men in prison, undereducated, and unemployed, are there even datable black men? Yes there are, however you have to pluck through the ones who are full of BS, and not intimidated by your success. I have to say I've had that issue quite often. What surprises me is that they full on tell you they are. For example, I had one guy tell me he's never dated a college girl and one who was in a sorority. I asked him what does that mean, and he went on to describe what he was used to. To make a long story short, in his comfort zone of 30k he was the breadwinner.  I was a challenge and he “could not get away with running game ‘cause I know too smart."

What is your overall opinion of interracial dating? How does it make you feel seeing Black men dating nonblack women?

Honestly, I don’t have an issue seeing black women with white guys, but reverse, I have an issue with it. I don't like seeing black men with white women. I could go on and on but at the end of the day I'll just reaffirm I have a problem with it.

Interview with Niki McElroy

Niki McElroy, author of A Black Girls Guide to Dating White Men, discusses her reason for writing the book and the general perception of interracial dating.

Why did you write "A Black Girls Guide to Dating White Men"?

I wrote this book because I had many black friends that had never dated a white guy. They would see me out on dates or hear me talking about my dates and the only questions that they'd ask were all racially motivated. They wondered what dating a white guy is like, how the sex was and how they treated me. I made it a point to get all the preconceived notions their brains had conjured up over all of the years out and started reprogramming them. That's when I started writing the book. I was tired of repeating the same answers to the same questions. I told my girlfriend, "You know what? I'm just going to write you a book!" She thanks me for opening her mind and allowing her to experience another part of life.

What keeps many single black women from exploring relationships outside of their race?

The only thing, that I believe, keeps black women from exploring outside of their race is FEAR! Fear of what people would say, fear of not having anything in common, and I can’t leave out... the fear that they will have a horrible sex life. Most black women "think" white men have small penises and can’t hang... Boy, are they wrong.

Is it the general perception that black men can interracially much easier than black women? Do you feel there’s more disdain in the black community toward women dating interracially than men?

Statistically speaking, black man/white woman relationships and marriages have soared over the last 20 years, where the white man/black woman combos are slowly starting to increase. In higher numbers now that more black woman are graduating college than black men, but it still not close. I have had arguments with black men that comment on the fact that I date outside of my race and then they show me photos of their bi-racial children. I think black men have a very hard time seeing a black woman with a white man because they feel the white man "took" something away from them. White women have a hard time seeing black women with a successful white man as well. In both races, no matter what the "switch-up" might be, people get territorial of "their" people do to the issues America has had with racism. I just pray folks GET OVER IT!

Do you find that white men are as likely to approach black women or do black women have to initiate contact and indicate interest?

Unless the white man has dated black women in the past, he will most likely NOT approach. They become intimidated and are scared of rejection. I have been in 45-minute conversations with some, where they practically talk my ear off and when it's time to wrap up the conversation we hit that awkward moment. There are a lot of "uuummmms" and shifting bodies with their hands in their pockets. If there were a pebble on the ground, I’m sure they would kick it like Alfalfa does in the Lil' Rascals movie. In the book, I touch on those issues and tell you how to go ahead and break that silence and that uncomfortable moment. Hey, the #1 purchaser of black porn are white men, so they DO want us, and fantasize about being with us, they just need a little help when it comes to making that first connection and getting through the first date. After they realize that you're interested too, they go back to being themselves.

Race Nonissue in Dating

Interracial dating is not necessarily taboo in the DC metro area since there are plenty of mixed-raced couples. People have become increasingly open to dating someone from another race or cultural background since there are so many cultures blended in the area that it is almost impossible not to interact with, and eventually date, someone of a different race or culture. 

Generally speaking though, dating can be a difficult, and dating in urban areas such as Washington, DC can be grueling and time-consuming. Add seeking out someone from another race and the task can become all the more daunting. Hundreds of open-minded men and women of all races have joined dating and social networking sites such as IDSocialConnect in the hopes of making life easier finding love or lasting friendships.

IDSocialConnect comprises hundreds of singles seeking out interracial dating; however, in general, race is becoming progressively more of a nonissue in dating. Typically women and men look for a partner that is honest, has a sense of humor, and is physically attractive. Seldom is race a nonnegotiable in dating.

Interracial Dating Meetup Group Launches Blog

The InterracialDating and Social Connections (IDSocialConnect) Meetup Group has launched this blog to discuss the taboo topic of interracial dating. The blog is the fourth chapter in developing the group’s web presence, preceded by Meetup, Facebook, and Twitter.

IDSocialConnect comprises over 660 multicultural singles in the Washington DC metro area (the District of Columbia, Maryland, and Virginia) on Meetup.com that participate in diverse social activities to meet new people and expand their social circle.


The Meetup Group is a private dating and social networking club, but IDSocialConnect has public identities with 131 friends on Facebook and 33 followers on Twitter.

This blog will be a public discussion board to exchange thoughts on interracial dating.

Are you dating outside your race? Why? Why not? Would you?