My Experience with Interracial Dating: Learn Not to Assume

I've had crushes on men of all races ranging from the superfine singer Maxwell to the hotness that is Ryan Gosling.

My first crush was in the first grade on a Vietnamese kid named Vin. He was the fastest runner in our class and popular, and I could care less that we weren't the same race. One day, Vin was at the water fountain and I waited for him. He said something and I just nodded because I was so nervous; I just kept thinking of how cute he was. His race was not even a blip on my radar and at that age I didn't care what other people thought about my crush on someone of a different race until later in life unfortunately. Nothing came about between Vin and I but fast forward to adulthood when race appeared to matter.

I met "Eric" on match.com and his profile picture was adorable! He had short, close-shaven blond hair, about 5'6" (I’m 5'1" so that was cool). He had a beard, blue eyes, Caucasian in its fullest form. He loved Talib Kweli, whom I had never heard of. Eric said that he dated outside his race before so that eased my fear about the assumptions he may have had about black women.

After two weeks of talking online we decided to meet. We met for dinner at Macaroni Grill in Silver Spring. When we first met I was not disappointed looks wise because he was just as adorable in person. 

Our waitress, a black girl, walked us to our table. Then lordddd the thoughts started to invade my mind. Is she talking about us? Is she going to be rude because I’m with a white guy? I then realized that that girl did not care about me or my date. She was too busy worrying about getting to all her tables.

So I told myself to calm the hell down and I did. Eric and I sat at our table and man was he a talker. He talked and talked and talked and then talked some more. Slowly I didn’t think about our skin color.  I thought, "dang this dude won't let me get a word in edgewise."

After dinner we saw "The Incredibles" (excellent movie by the way), but let me tell you a movie is a bad idea for a first date because you really can't communicate.

We had parked in different garages and as we walked from the movie theater I saw a group of black kids hanging out, as they usually do in Silver Spring after 9:00 pm. All those worries came flooding back. Will those kids say something? Are they looking this way? Are they going to embarrass my date or me? And guess what, those kids paid me no mind, but I acted like they would.  

It seemed that Eric wanted to hang more, but I called it a night because I feared the gawks and stares because I interracially dated. I told him good night and that was the end of that one and only date with him.

I share these experiences because I want to remind us all to listen to our own voices. I listened to the voices I assumed were being said by individuals I didn’t even know! I've learned to not fill my mind with assuming that people would look at me differently because I interracially date. I'm not psychic. I told myself that I'm going to take advice from my first grade self: to like a person for who he is and not his race. I've reached an age where I honestly don't care what other people think. Dating is hard enough. It's up to us as individuals to decide who will make us happy and not give that control to someone else.

Loree Lamour is a single woman of Haitian descent. She was born in Washington, D.C. but grew up in Silver Spring, MD.

The Benefits of Online Dating

Breaking through all cultural and societal stigmas and stereotypes, online dating has skyrocketed to a place of extreme popularity. It was once considered an embarrassment, but is now a completely acceptable and even encouraged form of dating. Online dating is great for many reasons, but it is becoming increasingly popular among those who don’t have access to a wide range of social settings. For those hard-pressed for time, the option to find someone online is a wonderful feature that can bring about relationships that might have never blossomed without it.

Online dating can be a lifesaver for those who are cut off from a lot of social settings for various reasons, such as getting a college degree online. Students who are earning their degree online often don’t have much time for social outings. A lot of online students have chosen an online program because they work full-time and need the flexibility and convenience of the online model. Since they are always working or doing school work, these students often are unable to get out, so online dating works very well. They don’t have to spend hours in social settings like bars, parties or other social situations, they can just do all of that online and go spend time with the ones that are good matches.

Finding someone online also often works well for those work remotely. In today’s technological age, more and more employers are allowing their employees to work remotely from home or from a rented space. Typically, these remote workers do not have the opportunity to socialize regularly, so they can greatly benefit from the convenience of online dating. Many people fear that the instant connection and spark associated with meeting someone in person is lost online, but most online students and remote workers will tell you that simply isn’t the case. You can tell a lot about people from their online profiles and conversations, and you get the opportunity to avoid any bad nights out at the bar where you meet no one, and only go out with the people with whom you are interested. Online dating will continue to rise in popularity as more and more people, like those pressed for time, simply give it a shot!

Interview with Katherine Bouglai, Part II

In this second part of an in-depth interview with dating expert Katherine Bouglai, she discusses interracial relationship. In the first part, Katherine provided valuable dating advice.

What is your overall opinion with interracial dating? What is your experience with interracial dating?

I think interracial and intercultural relationships can be both beautiful and challenging. If you fall in love with the person for who s/he is, who also happens to be or another race or nationality, your relationship can be quite fascinating. It is different, more exciting, you develop this interest to learn about your partners culture which is different from yours. You certainly deal with challenges, too (I will talk about challenges more in the next question). 

You do have to be careful though and really honest with yourself about why did you choose to be with someone of another race. It is one thing to fall in love with a person, but it is completely another story to be infatuated with someone just because you are fascinated with their race.  Another thing to watch out for is the tendency to deliberately avoid dating someone of your own race due to limiting beliefs derived from your negative past experience. This could be a way of avoiding intimacy.

I was in a four-year relationship with a black man in my early 20s. Initially, I fell in love with his personality and we had a great time. My family didn’t approve and gave me a hard time, which didn't help. Because I grew up in a very suppressive environment, as a teenager I had a lot of anger built inside of me that I didn't know how to express. When my family and friends disapproved of my relationship, they really went against one of my core values which actually gave me the outlet to express my anger and frustration with the world.  It gave me something to rebel against. The more disapproval I got, the more I fought against it. In a way it actually gave me what I needed. But I was so focused on fighting for the right to have a relationship that I actually ignored the problems we had in a relationship. I don't feel good about the fact that in a way I ended up using my relationship to declare my independence from my family. It wasn't intentional, but that's what it turned out to be.

What are some challenges that interracial couples deal with that couples of the same race don't have? Do you have any tips or advice to help couples overcome these challenges? What should you do if your parents or family does not approve of your decision to date someone of another race?

There are external and internal challenges. I think the biggest challenge is when your friends, family and loved ones give you a hard time about your choice to be with this person. This can be very difficult because it gives you only two choices: you either pick your family and stay resentful or you pick your relationship, not so much because your relationship is more important to you than your family, but because you believe your family and friends are wrong. You want to do the right thing however heartbreaking this may be. I had chosen the second option and if I had to do it again, I would do the same. I believe standing up for yourself is far more important than doing what your family wants you to do. If you are afraid to lose your family and friends, think of it this way, if they really love you as they say they do, you will not lose them. If you do what they tell you just because you are afraid of losing them, you will definitely lose yourself (what could be worse than that?).  But if you follow your heart and do what feels right to you, you will gain (or keep) something far more important -- your dignity.

Other challenges may be cultural difference, but if you really love each other and chose to be emotionally mature enough to deal with your challenges rather than avoid them, you can easily overcome those.  These types of challenges are actually good because they will keep you growing.  My advice - try to understand where the other person is coming from before judging anything.  I think having this attitude is a must, especially if you are in an interracial relationship.

Sometimes, depending on where you live, strangers who disapprove of you being together will glare at you or make comments. The best way to deal with this is understand that these are their issues and problems, so don't make them your own.  In the mean time, try to avoid places where people are unfriendly.

The biggest advice I have is for parents who are not happy about their son or daughter's relationship choice:  let your child have their relationship and let this relationship take its natural turn however it turns out. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child. If they are good for each other and it is meant to be, their relationship will flourish, only without you being part of the family anymore. If it is not meant to be, it is much better that they break up without feeling resentful against you.

Are people generally open to marrying someone of another race?

In general, I don't think so, at least not until they meet someone really special who just happens to be of another race. It is more common for people to marry someone within their race and culture. However, if you live in a very culturally-diverse place like San Francisco or Vancouver, this can be different. 

There are some people, however, who actually prefer to date someone of another race and deliberately avoid dating people of their own race. This is not necessarily a good thing because it is a way of avoiding intimacy which can backfire. Remember the quote "Save the Last Dance" when Julia Stiles' character said: "I don't want to have to fight for my right to have a relationship to the point where I can't actually have a relationship." The truth is, in most cases people prefer the opposite. Sometimes it can be much easier to fight for your relationship than deal with the relationship problems we all naturally have and face "our own demons." This is just something to watch out for.

Interview with Katherine Bouglai, Part I

Are you looking to attract true love? Katherine Bouglai is a renowned dating expert that works with female clients how to change certain behaviors so that they can attract a remarkable relationship. In this two-part interview, in the first part, Katherine provides valuable dating advice and in the second part of her in-depth interview, she discusses interracial relationships.

Why do women pursue emotionally unavailable men?

Before I answer this question, let me clarify that men pursue emotionally unavailable women just as much as women; we just don't notice as much because the way a woman expresses her "emotional unavailability" is a bit different than from a man's. 

The reason why many pursue emotionally unavailable people is because it is our way to avoid intimacy. I am not talking about sexual or physical intimacy. In fact, sex is often used to avoid emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is all about being 100 percent honest with yourself and others. It is about self expression and being who you are regardless of what other people may think. And this is exactly what emotionally unavailable people tend to avoid. They avoid communication, confrontation, and being honest and direct or clear about who they are and what they want. The reason why this type of person may be attractive to us is because in a way we also want to avoid who we are by focusing on someone else's problems. When our own issues become too much for us to confront and deal with, it is much easier to focus on something else, something that appears to be drama-free. The problem is that the more we avoid drama, the more it comes back at us. So a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person is usually extremely dramatic. But because this type of drama is often outwardly focused on the other person, it feels a lot less difficult to handle than to actually focusing on yourself.

For example, if an emotionally unavailable man is not interested in a serious relationship, instead of being clear about his intentions, he will typically avoid the unpleasant or uncomfortable conversations and become wishy-washy with his responses. In other words, he will play mind games. So why would a woman go for this kind of man? It is simply because it is far less painful to focus and try to fix his inability to make a decision than face the rejection and move on.  An emotionally unavailable person could never really "reject" you, but he can keep you in denial for quite some time.

What are some reasons why so many women are single?

Single women in general are more open to admit that they are looking for a relationship because society expects it, and therefore it feels like there are more single women than single men out there. Why do many of them stay single? Some don't want to deal with the drama of being in a relationship so they find a way to distract themselves and focus on something else in their lives that keeps their mind occupied enough. Some actually managed to convince themselves that they don't want to be in a relationship and they are "just fine" being single. 

The real question is why do women who believe they want to be in a relationship stay single? I believe the answer is a bit more complicated than that they simply haven't found the right person yet. I think they haven't even figured out who the right person would be and what does it take to find this person. They may be driven by a desire to be intimate with a man and if this desire is strong enough, as far as they are concerned, any man who is attractive enough, nice enough and shows enough signs of attention, interest or potential for the future will do. She doesn't even bother asking herself if this man is the right one--if she likes him enough, she makes it her mission to turn him into the right one. This approach does not lead into a healthy long lasting relationship.

After doing the various self-awareness exercises in "The 7 Step Guide to Attracting the Love You Desire," where are the best places to meet single men offline?

Anywhere. The self-awareness exercises are designed to help you confront and look deep into who you are. In other words, you are learning how to build emotional intimacy with yourself. The more self-aware you are, the less likely you will be attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable. 

It doesn't really matter where you meet this person. Online just happens to be the easiest and quickest way. But if that's not your cup of tea, you can try singles events like hiking groups or dance lessons. Single parties and groups are great to meet singles in large numbers. You can also take lessons in something you are interested in learning, perhaps someone single and attractive shows up there as well.  Or you can just meet someone spontaneously--anywhere. This method may sound exciting, but it is not very effective. 

If you are single and looking, I would definitely suggest you look into places where you know other single people typically hang out at.

Emotional baggage sabotages relationships. How can women recognize that they have emotional baggage? In doing the relationship baggage and the forgiveness exercises in your workbook, what if a person cannot forgive?

I think everybody has some emotional baggage. Some more than others, but if it affects your relationships, then it would be worthwhile to deal with it. You know if you have emotional baggage if:

- you are typically attracted to emotionally unavailable people

- your relationships are typically full of drama

- when you are in a relationships you are either taking care of (or parenting) your partner, or your partner is parenting you to the point where it becomes too much

- you stay single for years because you simply don't want to "deal with it". 

This usually indicates that there is a lot to deal with--your emotional baggage that's deeply hidden away.

The purpose of forgiveness is to let go and allow yourself to be open again. If you find it that you are willing to forgive a particular person (say your ex), this means you have dealt with this particular part of your emotional baggage and are now willing to let go of it. If you find it difficult to forgive your ex for something he may have done to you, this usually indicates that you are holding on to a limiting belief you formed about yourself as a result of what this person did. For example, you can't forgive your ex for not treating you with enough respect. This usually means that deep inside you believe that maybe you don't deserve to be treated with respect and you interpret his behavior as disrespectful. 

Forgiveness is not the same as excusing someone. It doesn't mean that what they did is OK, it just means that you are no longer resentful and ready to be open again. If you feel like you cannot forgive, look deeper into your own self-sabotaging limiting beliefs.

After a while, some women start developing negative self-sabotaging limiting beliefs about themselves. They start thinking that maybe they are not attractive enough or that there is something wrong with them that pushes men away. Not only those beliefs are not true, they actually can keep you single for even longer.

Why I Don't Date Out

A Native Washingtonian, age 35, who has a white adopted mother, shares her views on interracial dating.  

Why are you reluctant to date outside your race?

Not sure it’s reluctance, more of a preference. I'm not exposed to a lot of men who date outside their race. Two reasons for my reluctance: one, I don't think we will have very much in common as far as life experiences and being able to relate to me and my frustrations and second, truth be told, while I find a lot of men of other races very attractive, the sexual energy/ physical attraction just isn't there. When I was in high school, I talked quite extensively to a guy on the phone that I thought was African American, but when I finally met him he wasn't. I was really into him on the phone but seeing him was totally different and I lost interest. Yes, he knew I was black... My older sister once told me she always pictured me with a white guy but one with swag... I don't know, again, more of lack of exposure and thus dating black men is what I'm used to. But to quote my sister if he had a lil’ swag...then maybe.

Statistics show that 70% of Black women are single and 42% are

unmarried. Would you agree with authors Karyn Langhorne Folan and Niki McElroy who argue that more Black women should date outside their race?

If the sole reason for dating outside your race is just because the pickings are more, then I'd have to disagree. If you’re dating outside your race because you are attracted to men of another race then that’s totally different. Dating someone to meet some social standard of where you should be in life (married, kids etc.) are you going to be happy or doing it to say I did it? if you’re going to do it, do it for love not status quo. I've not read the books but that's my take on it.

Is interracial dating the solution to the single Black woman's problem?

No, interracial dating is not the solution or the be-all-to-end-all for black women. Should we lower our standards? No, of course not. Should we be realistic and take into consideration the changing of times? Yes. Roles are completely reversed now and black women are the primary breadwinners and the head of the household, but somewhere we forgot that no matter who brings home the bacon, our men, our black men, should still get the respect he deserves. We are so quick to dismiss. We neglect the effort...sometimes we have to put aside our own hang-ups and egos and let them sit at the head of the table and give him the big piece of chicken. 

Since there is high percentage of black men in prison, undereducated, and unemployed, are there even datable black men? Yes there are, however you have to pluck through the ones who are full of BS, and not intimidated by your success. I have to say I've had that issue quite often. What surprises me is that they full on tell you they are. For example, I had one guy tell me he's never dated a college girl and one who was in a sorority. I asked him what does that mean, and he went on to describe what he was used to. To make a long story short, in his comfort zone of 30k he was the breadwinner.  I was a challenge and he “could not get away with running game ‘cause I know too smart."

What is your overall opinion of interracial dating? How does it make you feel seeing Black men dating nonblack women?

Honestly, I don’t have an issue seeing black women with white guys, but reverse, I have an issue with it. I don't like seeing black men with white women. I could go on and on but at the end of the day I'll just reaffirm I have a problem with it.

Dating Is An Exciting Adventure

Dating can be very fun and exciting if one allows it to be. It doesn't have to be the awkward or nerve-wracking experience that a lot of people make it out to be. In this day and age, one of the best ways to date is through a dating website. These websites make approaching people for dates a lot less awkward because everyone already knows that everyone on the site is looking for that type of companionship.

Once someone becomes a member of a dating website, they can create an online profile that accurately describes oneself and reflects their personality. It is very important that people complete these profiles truthfully so that they do not mislead other people. People should tell enough information about themselves on their profile to be intriguing, but should also leave a little bit to mystery. In essence, people need to be careful not to reveal every detail about themselves in their profiles. Most of the time, it is a good idea to properly get to know a person before revealing intimate details about oneself.

Everyone who dates online needs to remember the importance of having a good and clear picture of themselves as their main profile picture. This is very important so as to not be misleading. There is nothing worse than false advertising on a dating website. Why even try it? People will eventually find out who is lying and will not want to pursue dates with that person because of their deception.

Once one actually meets the person they have been talking to online, it is important to keep physical contact to a bare minimum at first. There are many reasons for this, the most important one being that physical activity shouldn't be rushed. People should give themselves time to adequately get to know each other and find out if they are compatible. This is all that they should be focusing on at this point. Once they are past that stage and realize that they do have a lot in common, they can schedule additional dates to determine whether or not they are interested in pursuing a relationship with each other. Once people have been dating a while, it is appropriate to develop a sexual relationship of some sort. Both parties involved need to be fully comfortable with the relationship in order for it to be mutually enjoyable and beneficial.

Dating should be a pleasant experience. It is fun to get to know people of the opposite sex and find out what qualities one is looking for in a mate. As long as people don't take themselves too seriously, a person's dating years should be some of the most exciting times in their life.
Guest post distributed by Fatwallet.com. Fatwallet provides deals and discounts including Lenovo coupon.

The Perks of Being Single During the Holidays

Anyone who's suddenly found themselves single will know what a culture shock it can be. All the things you used take for granted–guaranteed company at the weekend, a delicious meal waiting for you when you've had to work late, someone to listen to your angry rants about pet hates–are abruptly taken away.

Perhaps worst of all, that holiday you'd booked when you were still together is blatantly not an option anymore, unless you particularly feel like sharing four hours trapped in a pressurised metal container with your ex. Your only options now are either to try and persuade a friend or relative to give up their own romantic break to come with you or try and convince yourself that holidays are actually overrated, and that you'd much rather spend two weeks catching up on those spreadsheet reports at work.

There is of course, another option, and it's one that is becoming increasingly popular: go by yourself. Granted, your confidence may not be at an all-time high following a break-up, but a trip to foreign climes, away from the memories of the past may be just the thing you need.

In fact, so many people are now choosing to travel alone that some holiday companies are offering specialised 'singles holidays set up specifically for lone travellers. Don’t be put off by the name; these trips are not some 18-30s knees up in a Spanish resort fuelled by cheap sangria and frequented by lads and ladies on the pull. Instead they provide a way for people to enjoy the benefits of travelling with others (cheaper rates, companionship, safety) while still maintaining a strong sense of independence.

When you set off to travel by yourself, there's none of that annoying "compromise" business that can plague holidays taken as a couple. From the big decisions like which country to visit, to the small details like the choice between visiting that famous monument at the crack of dawn or lounging in bed till 11am and then having a cocktail on the beach, holidays are full of decisions. Having to compromise on several of these choices on one trip can often lead to a lovely, relaxing holiday where neither person does any of the things they really wanted to, and secretly resents their partner as a result.   

There are a huge variety of trips available for people who want to do some travelling by themselves, while having the option to join up with a larger group for some parts of their trip. From taking in the culture in some of the world’s most amazing cities, to getting active on a trekking or cycling tour, to heading out on a true adventure to an African safari or polar expedition, single travellers really can enjoy a world of possibilities. Adventure tours are particularly suited to single travellers, as they encourage people to venture into the unknown and experience a world outside of their comfort zone. Plus, for single people joining up on a white-water rafting trip or three-day hike, adventure tours are a fantastic way to meet and bond with new people. 

This is one of the best things about going on holiday as a single traveller. Although you may set out alone, travelling by yourself is a great way to meet a fantastic variety of people from all over the world, from fellow travellers to members of the local populace. Couples frequently give off an unspoken and often quite unintended aura that suggests they don't want to be bothered. When you travel alone, it's so much easier to meet interesting new people, without them having to worry about ruining your romantic break. Plus, if you happen to meet someone who happens to be travelling to the most amazing sounding island paradise the next morning, there's no debate on whether or not to join them. The only person you have to consult is yourself.

Who knows, while you travel the world meeting fascinating like-minded people, you may even find that special someone ready for next year's holiday!

Hi I'm Daniel and I enjoy writing about travel and sharing my experiences from around the globe.